October 21st, 2008
FRACTURED FIFTH DIGIT
CAN'T SAY NOTHING DIFFERENT ABOUT MYSELF
I took off my cast. Well, I can really take it off. I can but only for about a minute to apply alcohol and then I have to wrap it back up again. But today I took it off and placed my hands on the keyboard of my laptop. I started to finger the homerow keys with my left hand, for the left side of the keyboard: A S D F and my thumb on spacebar. Now my right hand, placed my index finger on J and my thumb on spacebar, that was it!
I couldn't bend my middle finger and ring finger. I can if my left hand holds it down and then i let go, but for me to do it on my own, I can't. So what I did was, I used my left hand to put my middle and ring finger on K and L. My pinky was just stretched out. I tried to slightly bend it (don't worry I didn't force it all the way, I was very careful, though yeah, I know I'm not a doctor!)
My pinky couldn't touch the semi-colon button! And then I started to think: SHIT! What if I can't ever bend my pinky! What if it's going to be that way forever!
Scared the shit out of myself. and for some reason I really wanted to cry! I won't need my pinky to field but I will need it to bat! - that's what I was thinking. Shit, I really wanted to cry!
FEAR. If you think about what you are fearful of and you let it consume you, you lose. So, don't think about it. Or if it gets to a point wherein you seriously know it's there then acknowledge it and look it straight in the face (not literally of course unless what you fear is an actual thing or person - but if it's something vague, an entity, a feeling - then of course not literally, silly!) DON'T LET IT CONSUME YOU, bottom line!
For the past three months that I've had this cast on, I don't think I've ever once talked to anyone about how I really feel about it. Not that I'm supposed to feel something, it's just a pinky afterall! But there's always that fear, yes, fear. There comes a point wherein you just can't stop thinking about it - about the impossibity of it all. It grips you tight until your so strung up you can't unwind!
I know I'll get better - it's just a pinky for crying out loud! But it just made me think, that's all. Anything can happen when you're on the field. One hit could cost you your life. One hit to the face could make you fracture your jaw, could rupture a vein in your eye, could make you go blind. One hit to the knee could damage your ACL, fracture a bone. When you slide to base, there's the possiblity of being trampled on by the opponent. If you dive to base, there's the possibilty of your fingers being stepped on. If you blink you can get hit. If you're not focused you can get hit!
It's a possibility. It's a risk.
I've run out of things to say, I don't think I made any sense or any point/s for that matter. Partly because I don't want to think about it anymore and another because I'm doing a million things at a time that I've lost track of my train of thought.
I've got training tomorrow, one of the last few training session before I take my cast off and before I start my therapy.
Before I go off to bed, because for some reason I'm really tired, just want to say some last remarks
Last semester I had a really hard time adjusting to playing third base, because before that never really play third, I played short and catcher. And whenever a hard hit would come my way, I'd be so afraid to get hit, I'd just avoid the ball altogether, but I adjusted to that, and I used to think - I need to get hit, and I need to get hit big because if I don't know what it feels like to get hit, that fear of getting hit will always be there. (such logic: i need to get hit to eliminate the fear of being hit. If I know what it feels like then I won't be afraid). So, now that I've gotten hit, and it's the worst possible hit that could've happened (well not really, didn't get hit in the face) but still, pretty bad, I guess I can move on now, and I guess I can be rid of that fear. HMMM...
If this entry made any sense to you, that just means you have a superior brain. Because I'm not thinking straight anymore.